I died but then I didn’t

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I was going to write about how I spent my summer. But I’ve been sitting here for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what parts to write about and what to leave out. There was definitely laughter and happiness and music and perfect summer days but there were some darker days too. Nevertheless, this summer was way better than the one before. I was happy for no apparent reason. Things weren’t perfect and there was some heartache but even then, I was happy. I have embraced it all, good and bad, and chose to see only the positive side of things. At some point I think I freaked out my best friend with all this abnormal happiness. I would randomly text her that I’m so happy :)) and she was like ‘uhm… yeah, okay, that’s nice’ :))

There was nothing out of the ordinary that was happening to me that could justify these euphoric states I was having. Except one thing: I started liking someone. Really like them. What’s interesting is that this person was barely aware of my existence and, obviously, didn’t feel the same way but that didn’t matter to me. I was happy that I could still feel something genuine for someone, because for a long time I thought it will never happen again. I was happy that I could care for someone like that without expecting anything in return and I was fascinated with all these emotions I was experiencing. I did want more at first because it’s normal to want to live out what you’re feeling and I was hurt when I realized it won’t happen. I was getting ready to move on and then I paused. I paused and thought about how nice it is to like someone this much, to respect them, to admire their qualities and be inspired by them while also be aware of their flaws and accept them.

It might sound silly to be happy that you like someone. It’s so basic. What’s there to be so happy about? But there is, there is! Because in today’s world, having genuine feelings for someone else seems obsolete. There’s so much cynicism. It’s not about love anymore. It’s about the pre-love stage. And even calling it so, is a stretch. It’s about chasing that high at the beginning of a relationship with someone you feel attracted to. But that high goes away pretty fast and instead of letting other feelings grow, you move on and start looking for another beginning, ‘another high’.

This can go on for a while before you build up a tolerance to it and start feeling numb. I’ve noticed this is the new way of being cool: not caring, not letting your guard down, never show your vulnerabilities and God forbid you ‘catch feelings’ for someone. ‘Oh, what a loser!’, ‘That’s so lame!’, ‘Pff, you’re weak!’, ‘Ugh, you’re such a romantic!’. Mind you, the last one actually happened. I was called a romantic as an insult for wanting to go on a date :)) At first you’re like ‘what is wrong with you people?’ but by the 10th interaction of the sort, they get in a little. After a while, I got tired, stopped swimming against the current and let the numbness set in.

So, yeah, when you feel like you’re dead inside but someone comes along and there’s a revival happening inside you, you pause. You pause and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

For me it lasted an entire summer. And I was happy.

-A

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